STOP - This ten second technique will help you be a calmer parent

My ‘tweenager’ knows which buttons to press to wind me up like an alarm clock gone banshee. There have been many occasions when I have lost control and resorted to punishments, threats, yelling or worse; finally ending up mentally berating myself for having failed yet again. The toughest struggle has always been reining in the anger.  My big break came from learning a simple technique that has helped me hugely, to be a calmer parent.

This simple technique has its origins in mindfulness but is used and shared widely within the respectful parenting community. It is called the STOP technique: Stop, Take a breath, Observe, Proceed.

‘Stop’ means stopping the knee-jerk reaction to the situation from taking over. Often after the harm is done, I have looked back at what went wrong and when looking at the whole incident with a calmer set of eyes, I can see it unfold in slow motion – my daughter doing or saying something that sets off my trigger, then me letting my stressed mind react blindly with threats and punishments and I can hear my voice loud, ugly and unkind.

‘Stop’ means cutting off that behaviour at its very start, cutting off those words when you feel them in your throat, the anger when you feel it burning through your brain. It means refusing to react, refusing to let the unthinking, impulsive reaction take over.

‘Take a breath’. Or two. Inhale deeply and watch as the breath enters your body, fills you up. Exhale deeply. Focus on the act of breathing, allow it to empty your mind of the anger, frustration and other negative thoughts that had rushed in. Imagine calm and control taking its place. You are the leader in this situation and you need to be in control to lead ably and well.

Observe. As you breathe deeply, observe the scene in front of you and the scene within you. It means recognising that the situation/incident is a trigger and observing your body and mind’s reaction to it. Are you angry, frustrated, fists clenched, nostrils flared, eyes narrowed, short of breath? Check in with yourself. Observe the child in front of you. What do you see when you look with calmer eyes? How can you best help and guide your child in this situation?

Proceed. Now that you have had a chance to recover and to gather yourself, you are suddenly reminded of your determination to parent with love, respect and connection. You have cleared your head of the loud bells that started ringing stridently when you were triggered. You have made room in your mind for your heart to speak up. You can now easily recollect your strategies for this situation or at the very least you are able to rein in your anger and respond from a calmer place. You see that the child that lashed out at you is tired and hungry. You remember the article you read about after school restrain collapse. Or you can see her frustration at not getting your attention as she tries to share some exciting news.

10 seconds. That’s all it takes for me to be a calmer parent. And instead of memories of me ugly screaming or smacking her, my daughter will now hopefully have memories of me taking things in my stride, struggling and working hard to master my emotions, responding with love and compassion.

10 seconds of pause is all it takes.